i’m pissed at Jon Stewart, president Obama, and you, the public. 

first, Jim Cramer and Jon Stewart.  some background.  Cramer hosts a hugely popular CNBC (business news) show on stock market investing called Mad Money.  he has a frenetic, ranting style of speaking (yelling, really) that he employs all the time.  he rails against companies he hates and fawns over companies he loves and he does it all the time, everyday, at maximum volume.  he’s a former trader at Wall Street’s Olympus of the hour, Goldman Sachs, and is currently some kind of non-profit fund manager or something like that.  basically, he’s been around and knows what’s up. 

his show is pretty well known not only for the stock market expertise that he offers, but also because he does it with such animated style.  the dude’s a total nutcase.  he brought entertainment to what was once the wasteland of numbers and cold, quantitative evaluation, and using that entertainment value he brought stock market investment culture to the masses.  sometimes he gets his shit right, sometimes wrong.  who the hell knows what his success rate is.  but if you ever watch his show, you’ll know that he is a constant proponent of everyone doing their due diligence before investing in a stock.  “do your homework” is a common mantra of his. 

and i’ll just assume you already know Jon Stewart and The Daily Show, a show i watch pretty frequently and appreciate for it’s usually insightul and funny take on some element of bullshit in the news. 

i don’t know how this started but Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer started having a back-and-forth and it culminated with Jim Cramer’s Daily Show interview.  stewart played many clips of cramer cheerleading the market and certain stocks right up to the major bust that started this fall.  back then, i’m sure it looked like just another day at the office for cramer, but now with the benefit of hindsight cramer looks like a prime jackass.  i think he was telling people to buy Bear Stearns stock just a few days before Bear Stearns literally died. 

now watch the daily show interview here.  it’s kind of long, but interesting.  watch.

so, here’s my big gripe.  actually there are several and they are all based on Stewart’s criticisms of Jim Cramer, many and scattered as they are.  seriously, he went in so many different directions here, but here is what i think were his main points:

1.  Cramer’s loud and crazy style belies the seriousness and complexity of investing.
2.  CNBC, Cramer and all financial journalists are either implicit or direct conspirators in the current market crash.

in response:
1.  no one ever said Cramer was a reporter or a journalist or was ever bound to hunt down the evil-doers to uncover the hidden truths about investing.  he delivers commentary in an entertaining way, and it’s up to the individual to listen to what he says.  he’s not Tom Brokaw or some shit, purporting to deliver the objective and honest news.  he’s an insider who feels he has an expertise that many people want to hear and he sells that shit, and people buy it.  News and Commentary, two completely different animals here.  AND he never tells people to jump into any investment with both feet without a net.  he’s always telling investors to look shit up, do their homework, diversify and to dollar cost average into stock positions.  that’s what comes out of his mouth everyday.  to mistake his on screen yelling and cow throwing as wild investment coaching, is not only unfair but completely ignorant. 

2.  using the old video of Cramer explaining how to use the media to manipulate the market, to me, is a disgusting example of sensationalism and intellectual dishonesty on jon stewart’s part.  stewart is full of shit.  somehow this video, however distasteful, is supposed to implicate Cramer in the world economy going south?  the video shows that there are market tricks that insiders use to drive a stock price down.  i’m not an insider but i’m willing to accept that these tricks exist and are used all the time by many people in charge, so i’m sure financial journalists know about these practices too.  but stewart’s accusation implies that these market manipulations are reserved solely for wall street insiders to their exclusive benefit, and can have permanent effects on a stock price.  i’m not sure either assumption makes much sense to me. 

my 401K contributions go into a giant fund managed by a wall street insider who might have equal access to the same tricks that people like Cramer know about.  and if my fund manager decided to go all shady and lie to the press to drive a stock price down before a market-moving event — in Cramer’s case Macworld –, how long would it take the market to figure out that the manipulation was incorrect and then correct itself?  probably about thirty seconds after Macworld ends.  there’s nothing permanent nor exclusive about it. 

and that one instance of exploiting the media for a short position gain really doesn’t have any bearing whatsoever on the current crisis from what i can tell.  how did that somehow create our current problem today?  i don’t know.  but i think stewart is counting on a little bit of that icky feeling from watching the video to seep over into blame at Cramer.  a pretty nasty trick, if you ask me. 

“you knew what the banks were doing yet you were touting it for months”  say whaaaa?  if news reporters and Cramer knew what the banks were doing and knew it was such a terrible thing, how come they’re not floating away on several hundred billion dollars made from short-selling Citigroup?  no one knew, you hindsight-genius motherfucker!  now get off your populist high horse and stop villifying the wrong fucking people.

and debate coherently, you damn grand-stander!  i swear, he’s the worst interviewer ever.  he almost never fails to railroad his guest with some loudness and obnoxiousness.  

speaking of villifying the wrong fucking people…  AIG.  everyone please STFU about the $165M bonuses.  the bonuses were passed by Congress and is bound by contract in this country that i still like to believe is ruled by the law.  you might not think the bonuses paid to employees of a publicly owned company are fair or right, but the people you indirectly put in charge of that company thought it was the right thing to do.  so much so that they signed a lawful contract and Congress even went the extra step to protect those contracts with a LAW. 

what happens to the rule of law when the United States Federal Government’s word fails itself?  in this instance it might fail twice.  once for not upholding a lawful contract and twice for going back on the spirit of the law it itself legislated and signed into law.  this debate is almost as absurd as the Catholic church selling tickets to heaven for money, aka Indulgences. 

i think the world is hung up on the semantics of it all.  “BONUS”  as opposed to something more fitting these payments like “DEFERRED SALARY”.  the world thinks AIG is rewarding itself for a job well done, when it’s really something more like “Here’s your payment for the last twelve months of not getting paid.” 

“BAILED OUT” do you really want to waste the entire AIG bailout package by limiting their employee retention tools, thereby guaranteeing an AIG implosion.   how about this one?  “APOCALYPSE” starring The Four Horsemen? 

i thought this was an interest Op-Ed piece.  it’s a letter written to the AIG chief from an AIG VP who is quitting, because he thinks this is all a bunch of shit.  personally, i can’t not agree with this guy.

seriously.  are we a nation of laws or are we a nation of pitchfork crybabies?  Obama is the biggest dissappointment here.  he was one of the first people to publically form the “Hang AIG” bandwagon.  once he got on, it became an AIG-burning party.  shame! 

it’s on dvd now.  netflix link here. 

watch it and tell me how much i overhyped an average movie.  hahaha. 

there’s no doubt that my very vocal enthusiasm ruined it at least a little for anyone adventurous enough to rent it.  nothing beats low expectations.  but perhaps there might still be a little bit of salvagable interest left? 

previous reviews here.

Gomorra (2008) – italian movie about the pervasive and saturating presence of organized crime in italy.  a lot of critics were shocked to see that this wasn’t nominated for best foreign film.  i haven’t seen any of the nominees, but i have to hope that they were fucking awesome, because this film those nominees are supposedly better than is pretty damn good.  told as several separate substories within the larger framework, it’s ambitious and crawls into many nooks and crannies about poor, crime-is-a-fact-of-life life.  there isn’t much by way of action, but it’s still gripping nonetheless because each character and incident seems like it could happen.  and possibly DID happen since it’s based on a non-fiction book.  don’t be like the jackass in my theater that said as he was walking out “they wasted 1.5 hours on nothing!”  soak in the life, not just the blood and bullets.  4 stars. 

Watchmen (2009) – i hate reading books before watching the movie.  hopefully that will explain why the first and last thought i have about this film is that it’s a perfect re-creation of the celebrated comic book series.  campiness, gore, character intricacies, nihilistic world-view, a complete and engrossing story arc, societal warnings.  it’s all there.  i can’t tell if you’ll like it or not.  if you like the book, you probably will enjoy this….  a lot.  if you didn’t, i’m not sure how you’ll react.  can you deal with comic book camp directly transplanted from book to screen?  the story is basically a murder whodunit unpacking the details of an alternate USA circa 1985, Cold War height, where the world is on the brink of nuclear annilhilation.  an asshole masked vigilante named The Comedian has been murdered and another psychotically brutal Watchman is slowly figuring out that whoever murdered The Comedian is out to murder all the Watchmen.  that’s just the beginning of a seriously epic story about the nature of man and the influence of power.  it’s kind of movie-making magic that they managed to fit so much into 160 minutes.  i think it could have been a LOT longer, but some efficient and brilliant flashbacks and montages tell pages of story in just a few seconds.  and don’t expect an hour of “Let’s introduce the superheroes and their powers!” either.  i’ll spoil this little bit for you.  except for the blue guy, Dr. Manhattan, everyone is human.  there are no powers to introduce.  and that’s what makes this a special story: it’s all about human characters with all their many many many flaws.  you might not ever find such a vibrantly colorful yet depressing film about how shitty mankind really is.  Nite Owl II is impotent!  when was the last time you saw an impotent male comic book character?  i won’t hold it against the film that Malin Ackerman who plays Silk Spectre II, aka Laurie Jupiter, is a terrible actress in a crucially emotional role.  nor do i mind that at some times, the film feels a little flat.  in a 160 minute movie, you’re bound to let the electricity slack a little.  overall though, i appreciate it for being a Herculean and nearly smashing attempt to do what they used to say was impossible… make a good movie out of this unfilmable book.  4 stars. 

Coraline 3D (2009) – the animation and visual style was fantastic.  i think that alone was worth the price of admission.  if the story-telling had matched the visual accomplishment of this film, it would have been a sure knock-out masterpiece, imo.  coraline is a bored school girl who just moved into a new haunted house where she’s lured into an alternate universe where everything is perfect except for one thing: everyone has buttons for eyes.  it’s totally creepy at times and like i said the stop-motion visuals were so much fun to watch.  it’s not for kids though, and i’m not 100% sure the story-telling is really tight enough for adults so what is it?  whatever.  i still enjoyed it.  3.5 stars. 

Eden (2008) – irish film about a slowly separating suburban couple that puts their hopes for their relationship into one big anniversary celebration.  ok this is a frighteningly realistic look at marital boredom and i have to tell you that it scares the shit out of me because i’m sitting there watching this thinking “wow that guy’s a loser and he’s gonna get what’s coming to him” then at the end i’m like “well that could easily be me one day”  so wtf?  it’s depressing, but you know what?  i like depressing.  3.5 stars. 

I’ve Loved You So Long (2008) – french film starring kristin scott thomas as a woman just released from prison who is moving in with her younger sister and her family.  it’s a slow and kind of touching movie told in a careful way as the layers are peeled back in a methodical way to paint the back story of why and how she ended up in prison, and most importantly how she might live the rest of her life.  it’s kind of arty and..  well… french.  4 stars. 

Dear Zachary (2008) – documentary about the murder of a young doctor in pennsylvania by his girlfriend and how the doctor’s parents fought the accused murderer girlfriend for custody over his son.  Zachary is the son’s name and the film is a dedication from the filmmaker, a friend of the doctor, to Zachary.  half a film about how loved the doctor was and the other half about how hard his parents fought for custody.  if you feel like it’s too personal a story for you to get into, it’s not.  the filmmaker, though obviously biased, does a skillful job to make you vested in the story that started with the murder of this guy.  it’s one of the few times i was so sad and outraged about other people’s lives in recent memory, and if you think i just spoiled the movie for you, i didn’t.  trust me, there are surprises.  4 stars. 

Elite Squad (2008) – brazilian movie about an elite police squad that dares to fight the slum gangs.  it tries to be City of God but just ends up a very poor man’s Michael Bay.  incidentally this film is a great reminder of how talented michael bay is despite the endless shit the industry and critics, including myself, throw at him in massive quantities and with unchecked frequency.  no one makes military machismo shit look cool and glorified like michael bay can.  call it what you will, he’s good at it.  this film is bad at it.  1 star. 

What Just Happened? (2008) – robert deniro stars as a film producer trying to hold the pieces of his life and work together as things look like they are about to spin into the atmosphere.  personally, i’m fascinated with the film industry and the behind the scenes goings on.  this film, like Tropic Thunder, though in a much more direct way, is the industry making fun of itself.  i’m not sure anyone who doesn’t give a shit about the industry would enjoy this but i did.  3 stars. 

Body of Lies (2008) – ridley scott starring russel crowe and leo dicaprio.  leo is an aggressive and effective rising CIA field agent in the middle east and russel crowe is his overseer stationed in Langley, Virginia.  shit happens, americans are stupid blah blah.  first off, crowe and dicaprio both suck at accents.  this was a source of constant and annoying distraction throughout the length of the film.  second, it’s predictable and heavy-handed with its overt moral: “the american way of running the CIA is ineffective”.  but i’ll give it points for filming on location in some scary ass looking places in the middle east and for featuring some really pretty iranian girl.  it’s probably not as bad as i’m making it sound…  2 stars. 

Out of Africa (1985) – sydney pollack film starring robert redford and meryl streep.  Best Picture a long time ago.  streep is in a marriage of convenience while running a farm somewhere in africa and redford is the mysterious american safari man she hooks up with.  you like how i trivialized that?  meryl streep is awesome.  redford is the same boring automaton here he as he is now.  the scenes were very cinematic and nice to look at.  the story, while compelling at times, kind of missed me at some points.  not a bad movie to catch on cable or rent if you’re in the mood for quiet, long-spun character pieces.  3.5 stars.  

Sangre de Mi Sangre (2007) – two mexican illegal immigrants befriend each other on the smuggle into the US.  one steals the other’s identity and presents himself as the other guy to the other guy’s father.  get it?  no?  too bad.  just watch it.  it’s pretty good.  it’s a look at the poor illegal life in america as well as a pretty engaging story of a bad kid doing bad things.  does he get his comeuppance?  i don’t know!  you’ll have to see it to find out, jerky.  4 stars. 

King of California (2007) – michael douglas, evan rachel wood.  dude, my fucking hands are getting tired.  this movie has great acting talent, as you can see, but it sucked anyway.  i blame it on the director.  the story-telling was all disjointed and unemotional and he could have gotten better performances from the prodigious talent at his disposal here.  1.5 stars. 

The Wackness (2008) – good indie film about this depressed, not-loser-not-popular high school weed dealer who develops a relationship (no, not THAT kind, you spaz) with his therapist.  Ben Kingsley is the therapist who sells his therapy to this kid for bags of weed.  you like where this is going?  i thought it was shot well with all these washed out colors and greens and browns and shit that added visuals to the emotional murkiness that’s at the heart of this kid’s life.  it’s a coming-of-age story.  he’s depressed about life as a nobody weed dealer, and the therapist is depressed about life as a nobody therapist.  it shows NYC from the street, not “street”, level in a pretty descriptive way and slings it around with some interesting characters and dialogue.  4 stars. 

City of Ember (2008) – the ads made this look like some awesome rendition of City of Children.  City of Children it was not.  the production design was great but belied a spotty script and characters and events that i really didn’t give a shit about.  bill murray was entertaining as the evil, fat mayor, but he wasn’t enough to save this Little Film That Couldn’t.  not so little, btw, but still couldn’t.  2 stars. 

thanks for all the tips about clearing up my GI tract yesterday, but the problems aren’t really intestinal from what i can figure out without a self-cat scan machine.  it’s all in the belly.  food goes in, expands and rumbles around for a few hours then i get distended belly and it starts sounding like a greek wedding in there complete with crashing dinnerware.  that goes on without end.  it’s actually a little better today, but we’ll see how it goes when i try to eject it all out my arse this afternoon.

***

so i’m at this bar….  i introduce myself to some girl sitting next to me then immediately turn my back to her since right when we said hi to each other this guy who is apparently her date sits right between us.  i figure “nice one” and just start looking elsewhere.  after like twenty minutes the guy is gone and the girl out of nowhere starts talking to me saying something long and with many words, but i can’t seem to understand what the hell she’s saying because i’d been struck retarded by johnnie walker.  i see her mouth moving but i’m like “what?  i understood like every third word you just said.”  then i clearly hear “take my number.  call me later.” 

drunk me: “what?  ok.  why?”  as in why can’t we talk right now instead of later. 
her:  “just take my number and call me later!” 

and i pretty much do whatever pretty girls tell me to do, so i’m like ok, take her number then start ignoring her again because the guy is back and is definitely giving me stink eye. 

so i call her on monday.  i tell her who i am.  she says “ohhhhh hi.  what’s up?”  slick me, i’m like “what’s up….  you gave me your number and told me to call you.”  her immediate response: “i’m really busy right now.  i just walked in the door and have to make dinner.  can i call you later?”  “cool.”

that was monday.  the end. 

i win!

i dreamed i slept with this girl then i got pregnant. 

how fucked up is that?  i woke up and realized that my stomach wasn’t feel well all night and was kind of full and rumbling while i was sleeping, and that undoubtedly made me dream that i got pregnant. 

nice segue to…  wtf is wrong with my innards?  it’s literally taking like 3x as long to digest anything these past few days and it’s also affecting the quality of my shit in a bad way.  i’m also tired all the time, as i think this indigestion is causing some kind of malnourishment.  you know how when you take a vitamin your piss looks like radioactive gatorade?  well mine does anyway…  usually within a few hours, if not sooner.  so i took the vitamin yesterday and no glowing yellow piss!  the shit train is all backed up.  something’s broken. 

because i know you were definitely reading my Oscars blog from last night wondering “wow, i wish i could see what awesome musical medley number Hugh Jackman, Beyonce, Amanda Seyfried, and some other random yokels were belting out” and because i am kind and munificent, here is a gift to you this sad and boring Monday morning: a link to what i thought was the best part of the show last night, and why i didn’t miss the comedian hosts from previous years at all. 

Oscars 2009 Musical Medley

and this is too good to pass up.  a new Apatow film trailer, Funny People, courtesy of the good folks at Cinematical.  when are we swearing in Judd Apatow as the master of the universe?  that day can’t come soon enough. 

btw no one has confirmed if this is a hoax or not but a list of winners seems to have surfaced.  click here if you want to see what might or might not be a fake list of the winners for tonight’s awards.

8:29 – ok i’m starting a little late because i had an unexpected guest drop by, but she’s gone now so here we go.  (she left money on the nightstand before she left, of course.)  first, a comment about the ABC red carpet interviewers.  fucking tards.  all three of them.  tim gun, that black woman from good morning america and some other tool.  the most awkward and retarded interview questions.  and i especially love the guy not knowing that robert downey jr came with a WIFE. 

ok hugh jackman is on.  it’s not the first name that comes to mind when i think of Oscars host probably because we’ve been trained by the billy crystals, ellen degenereses and john stewarts to expect comedy from the host.  but apparently jackman is a pretty versatile showman, singer, dancer, etc. so i expect him to do fine.  oh and look!  he’s about to sing for us.

i don’t mean to sound queer or anything, but hugh jackman is a pretty damn good looking man.  and he can sing pretty well apparently.  and so can anne hathaway!  wow.  not bad.  hugh, i am telepathically messaging you.  wipe that foamy spittle from the corner of your mouth.

dude, jackman just kicked ass singing the best film montage.  he’s getting a standing O. 

8:41 – clothes on or off Marisa Tomei is hot.  friggin hot.

8:47 – Best Supporting Actress goes to Penelope Cruz.  so i guess this means that winners list is fake since that list had Amy Adams winning.  Penelope looks so pretty, like a little cute mouse.  and she’s always one of the best and most elegantly dressed women at the awards.  same tonight. 

8:53 – a Screenplay award.  the winners of these awards are almost always one of the best films of the year regardless of whether they win the Best Picture award or not.  Robin Wright Penn is sitting with Sean Penn.  i thought they divorced?  anyway, she’s awesome and looks so pretty even though she’s visibly aged.  she’ll always be The Princess Bride. 

8:55 – Best Original Screenplay.  the only one of these i’ve seen is In Bruges and i loved that movie.  they just showed a clip from Milk that was shot at the Castro in SF.  that’s where opening night for the san francisco asian film fest is in march. btw.  just thought you should know that.  i’ll be there.  Milk wins.  i haven’t seen it, and i still have no interest strangley.  i love this category, but i just hate biopics. 

8:59 – Best Adapted Screenplay.  i’ve only seen Slumdog.  i think Slumdog is going to rake it in tonight, but i’m probably just saying that because that’s one of the only nominees i’ve actually seen.  Slumdog wins!  i’d bang tina fey.  just saying.

9:05 – Best Animated Feature.  i’ve heard great things about Waltz with Bashir which doesn’t seem to be nominated?  maybe it wasn’t cute enough?  and didn’t star animals?  yeah this animal thing is really getting out of hand.  why the hell can’t america get into the mature and sophisticated animation?  i mean is japan’s pattern really something we want to turn away from?  i’d bang jennifer aniston.  just saying.  Wall-E wins!  i liked that movie.  quite cute.  who wouldn’t want their own EVA? 

9:10 – this japanese guy just won for Best Animated Short and his english is hurtin, but his speech was simple enough and kind of cute i guess.  he thanked his pencil.  “sankyou my pencil”  do people really care about short film winners?  i don’t think so, but i think it’s great that the show producers give those awards screen time anyway.  short films don’t make any money, so whenever you see a short, you’re usually watching something made with a lot of passion and love and that’s great to see even if they’re not always the best.

9:16 – uhhh.  sarah jessica parker’s breasts are literally about to pop out of her dress.  this is looking a little dangerous.  someone get a net before they take someone’s eye out.  fabulous.  seriously.  they’re like storing energy there.  that energy is going to overwhelm the tensile strength of her very globular orbs any second now.  Benjamin Button and The Duchess just won the art awards. 

9:25 – hey look at that.  it’s one of my favorites, Amanda Seyfried, presenting an award.  awwww, she looks so nice up there with her hair down and golden and shiny and all that.  i love these film montages.  this one is called Romance 2008.  i fucking love movies.  you know i haven’t even seen most of these nominees and i am already sure that this year was a great year for films.  lots of greats. 

9:32 – wow.  Natalie Portman looks gorgeous.  dude, wow.  she’s wearing this nice purplish lavender dress and she looks so pretty and elegant.  and Ben Stiller is next to her as a presenter, and he has a giant beard wig and sunglasses.  he’s doing the disgruntled Joaquin Phoenix a la Letterman and he’s pretty funny ahahha.  Best Cinematography.  and ben stiller is just walking around randomly while Portman is reading the nominees.  this is awesome hahaha.  Slumdog wins!  so far so good for the Slumdog sweep.  is it me or does Danny Boyle look like Morrissey?  Morrissey with some brown ass teeth.

9:45 – Seth Rogen lost a ton of weight.  i don’t know why.  i bet he was getting so much ass even as a fatty.  chicks love funny guys, and this funny guy is a movie star.  if there was ever a fat guy that didn’t have to lose weight, it was him.  him and jack black.   Best Live Action Short film.  i actually saw these at the theater a few weeks ago.  they weren’t all that great, to be honest.  the french film, Manon on the Asphalt was the best of the lot, imo.  you know, there wasn’t a single American film among them!  i feel like Toyland is going to win though, just because it’s about WW2.  and there you go.  i’m a fucking genius.  Toyland wins.  i’m telling you, man.  WW2 = Academy Award. 

9:53 – Jackman is singing again.  he’s really good at this.  who would have thunk it.  a singing and dancing Wolverine.  and now here’s Beyonce singing, too, looking all hot, except for her red dress (i don’t think black women look good in red) but whatever.  she’s hot.  i’d bang Beyonce.  just sayin yo.  does she have a multi-year contract with the Academy or something?  why is she always singing at the Oscars?  i’m not complaining.  i think she can belt it out as well as anyone, and, i mean, i said i’d bang her and all, but you know.  why always her?  btw,. this musical number they’re doing that just added the couples from High School Musical and Mama Mia! is awesome.  like really awesome.  hugh jackman seems like a great pick so far.  they’ve successfully replaced mediocre comedy with great showmanship. 

10:03 – Best Supporting Actor.  if Heath Ledger doesn’t win here, they should just burn L.A. to the ground.  i like josh brolin, though i haven’t seen his turn in Milk.  he seems like a guy’s guy kind of guy.  i bet he’d break some heads in a bar fight.  and he’s married to Diane Lane so apparently he has exquisite taste as well.  Cuba Gooding Jr. is one of the presenters here, and i have to fucking laugh.  wadda loser.  Michael Shannon is nominated for Revolutionary Road and i feel like he’s one to watch.  he has a commanding presence.  i think it’s his baritone voice.  Ledger wins!  yay, the universe will exist another day.  the family is accepting the award and everyone in the audience looks like they are about to cry. 

10:12 – Best Documentary.  you know what.  i’m gonna say it right here.  Man on Wire was not THAT good.  i don’t know what everyone is raving about.  and, of course, that’s what wins.  but that little frenchy dude from Man on Wire just gave a pretty cool acceptance speech involving a magic trick and balancing the oscar trophy on his chin. 

10:20 – i just ripped an awesome fart. 

10:22 – how do they get these stars on Dancing with the Stars???  Lawrence Taylor?  the revolutionary linebacker, sackmaster, crackhead?  the living legend???  how how how?  why why why?  noooooooo this can’t be!

10:27 – Visual Effects.  wtf?  Hellboy2 wasn’t nominated?  that movie looked awesome, man, and it was all CG.  Benjamin Button won.  i don’t get it.  i think they won for make-up too.  was it make-up or was it effects?  i feel like winning both awards is kind of contradictory.  The Dark Knight wins for Sound Editing and that screws the Slumdog sweep.  Slumdog wins Best Sound Mixing and Editing.  Editing is something i have new respect for.  that’s where the film is actually assembled!  before it’s edited it’s literally just thousands of minutes of footage all spread out everywhere.  the editor is like the watchmaker assembling all the little pieces to create a finished, working product. 

10:54 – yowza.  Alicia Keys is looking motherfucking smoking hottedness.  another lavender dress.  Slumdog wins Best Score.  what is that so far…  4 for Slumdog?  they are performing the Best Song nominees now and i have to say that they took a big chance nominating these two songs from Slumdog.  they aren’t very conventional western songs, like they sound obviously indian, bollywoodish.  hey this performance is pretty cool.  they combined all three songs into one good sound at the end!  how the hell did they do that???  i’d bang alicia keys.  twice.  just saying.  and Slumdog wins best song, which is cool because it’s a pretty cool song.

11:17 – you’re in bed with me now.  would you like another pillow?  queen latifa is singing the In Memoriam part.  i believe they had her singing to discourage people from clapping while the dead people reel is playing.  i always thought the clapping — or rather not clapping — was kind of classless, in an ironic way, since it’s just a big popularity contest.  well it didn’t seem to discourage people from clapping anyway.  i guess it’s hard not to clap for a giant like Paul Newman.  damn he was awesome…  so anyway, while we were transitioning to the bed, Departures won for Best Foreign Language film.   it’s from Japan and was a considerable upset for the frech film The Class that won Cannes and a bunch of other awards. 

11:22 – Best Director.  i fully expect the Slumdog momentum to proceed without obstacle.  Danny Boyle will win this.  again.  i’m such a genius.  Boyle wins.  let’s consider Danny Boyle’s career for a moment.  Trainspotting, one of my favorite films of all time, 28 Days Later, Millions, Sunshine, The Beach and now Slumdog.  how versatile and brave is this guy?  he’s always trying something new.  Boyle just congratulated the Oscar show’s production, which is classy.  it’s been a pretty good show so far.  i wonder how the indians feel about this?  they have not been supportive of this film since it makes india look poor and dirty.

11:29 – interesting.  the Best Actress presenters, all Best Actress winners themselves, are getting a huge reception.  standing O.  sophia lauren, shirley mcclain, nicole kidman, marion cotillard, halle bare.  shirley mcclain just told anne hathaway that she has a wonderful singing voice, which i found quite surprising myself.  that just adds to my anne hathaway infatuation.  i’m really curious about Doubt.  that’s one of these nominees that i regret not seeing yet.  Meryl Streep has been nominated 15 times??  well, if there’s any actress that deserves that number, it’s her.  she’s awesome.  dude, angelina is wearing these enormous green gems (emeralds?) on her ears.  like e-nor-mous.  each earring could feed an entire african country she tries to help, no joke.  Kate Winslet wins.  i’m getting excited to see how many f-bombs mickey rourke drops when he accepts his speech.  and he will win.

11:39 – Best Actor.  presenters: De Niro, Anthony Hopkins, Adrian Brody, Michael Douglas, Ben Kingsley.  wow.  now THAT’s a list.  not nearly getting as much hoopla as the actress presenters got though.  still a standing O.  dude, Michael Douglas looks awesome for an old bastard.  i guess marrying young and hot really does add years to your life.  in his case, very hot.  de niro just introduced sean penn as “my friend Sean Penn.”  i want to be your friend, bobby!  Brad Pitt got nominated?  really?  has anyone seen BenjaminButton?  is he good in it?  i’m quite shocked.  is he really good enough to be nominated because i think he stinks mostly.  i swear, Rourke better not lose.  something tells me Penn is going to win though.  oh man i’m nervous.  it’s a total tossup!  what’s gonna happen????  oh man.  Sean Penn wins.  actually i saw one clip of rourke being asked who his competition for this award is, and he said “just Penn.  the mighty Sean Penn.”  Gus Van Sandt has directed many oscar winners now that i think about it.  Robin Williams and Matt Damon/Ben Affleck all won for his film Good Will Hunting.  Penn is talking about equal rights for gay couples, which i have to say i agree with, even as a Christian.  Oh man, Penn just specifically said good things about Rourke which is nice.  he called him his brother. 

11:50 – Spielberg is presenting Best Picture.  man, i don’t even remember which films got nominated.  it’s all about the Slumdog, man.  they’re showing a reel of previous oscar winners mixed in with this year’s nominees.  have i ever mentioned how i love these reels?  they bring back all the good memories i have from all these great films.  will this show really end before midnight?  Slumdog wins!  that’s cool, man.  it’s not exactly an indie film, but it’s a film that wouldn’t normally get america’s attention and i’m so very happy that this one is getting recognized so warmly.  i mean really.  a film about the slums of india?  no real stars?  half in hindi?  and it just won best picture?  there’s hope yet!  ha. 

11:58 – hugh jackman was great.  and what’s this?  something new.  a reel of upcoming films for 09.  Public Enemies!  a Fame remake?  i’m gonna live forever!  i’m gonna learn how to fly high!  Inglorious Basterds!  looking forward to that Tarantino project.  ok that’s it, kids.  good night!  this was a great year of movies!

nytimes article.  so there’s a fire in an apartment that has illegal partition walls and two responding firefighters died jumping out of that apartment’s windows because “illegal partitions in two of the apartments left them disoriented and forced them to jump to their deaths.”  a jury found the landlord guilty of criminally negligent homicide, i.e. the landlord should have known the illegal partitions endangered people’s lives. 

are these particularly malevolent partitions?  do they have retractable, spring-loaded iron spikes?  do they dissolve into millions of droplets of corrosive acid?  do they have feet and move round trying to block people’s exits? 

it’s pretty terrible that these firemen died, but to say that the landlord — who by the way didn’t even erect the partitions — should have known that partitions would “disorient” firemen in case of fire seems crazy unreasonable to me.  i don’t know the particulars of this case, so i can’t say for sure but on the surface this seems like total bullshit.  is it just me?  am i not getting something here? 

why should a fireman be disoriented by the presence of a wall?  those wacky, unpredictable walls.  aren’t firemen trained to feel around in the dark to search closets and around furniture?  do they have blueprints of every apartment memorized before they enter?  i find that unlikely, but, for the sake of argument, if they did memorize the apartment layout, should an unexpected wall really be faulted as the culprit in their deaths?  the wall as opposed to….  say….   the unpredictable, raging, burning fucking fire??? 

what if you happen to be cleaning your storage room one day and you stack rows of boxes filled with old magazines around your apartment.  you put off throwing them out for a few months so they effectively become pieces of furniture around your place.  or say…  new walls.  “partitions”, if you will.  is it your fault if a fire breaks out and the firemen start tripping and falling over your unexpected rows of boxes?  you could be called a slob, but “criminally negligent”?  remember criminally negligent = jail time.  should we all live in preparation of firemen walking through our homes in the dark?  perhaps we should start legislating the size and precise layout of furniture allowed in our own homes to maintain open and predictable lanes for the firemen? 

or maybe we should just acknowledge that fires are incredibly unpredictable, are hard to to fight, are nearly impossible to navigate through, and sometimes kill people, including firemen.  it sucks that they died, but just because they died does not necessarily mean that someone needs to be punished.

judging by the movie posters of my top three movies of last year a clear pattern of success seems to have emerged.  key art showing an outline of a person but the face shadowed out.  there you go.  the winning formula and you heard it here first. 

what’s the news of the day?  bailout shmailout.  the NY Giants are going to let Amani Toomer’s contract expire and he’s going to be a free agent.  now that’s news. 

i love the tough, quiet, fearsome, unsung heroes of NYC sports.  charles oakley.  paul o’neill.  sure, the derek jeters of the world are awesome and completely deserve their due — despite you Mets fans’ jealously lunatic rantings against a bona fide marquee star like him  — but you can’t replace an amani toomer, man!  he runs his routes!  he blocks like a champ!  he makes amazingly athletic and impossible catches in the clutch!  there’s no way we even make it to the superbowl last year if he doesn’t make these ridiculous, straight-as-a-board, toes-on-the-line, critically timed, third and long catches in both the Dallas and the Green Bay games. 

and he never made a peep about it.  just played like a teammate and went about his business helping them win the superbowl.  the players elected him a team captain for the first time this year.  now the organization is going to cut him loose.  that’s fucking bullshit, man.  rise up, new york!  the stable of young receivers we have need an experienced guiding hand to learn from, a true professional, someone who doesn’t shoot himself by accident, a clutch player, a quiet worker, a kung-fu master.  who else am i supposed to yell about in my best Arnold voice “eet’s naht a tooomah!”???  give that motherfucker a contract!

disclaimer: i haven’t seen most of the Oscar hopefuls.  as of now, i missed Doubt, The Reader, Milk, Frost/Nixon, Benjamin Button, Frozen River, Revolutionary Road, Rachel Getting Married, Happy-Go-Lucky, Kung Fu Panda and all the foreign picture nominees.  that pretty much constitutes the bulk of this year’s nominee list actually. 

now, i could say that since i haven’t heard much raving about any of these missed films that they probably wouldn’t stand much chance to land on a favorites list, but that’s not really fair, i guess.  so, i guess this is more accurately a list of my top ten favorite films released and viewed in or around 2008. 

i should also point out that ten is a pretty big number when we’re talking about “Best of 2008″.  some years i take a look back and don’t feel very strongly about any of the films offered, so when we get to the bottom of the list we’re pretty much throwing in a lot of “has potential” type films.  not so much with this year’s list actually since we had a very strong year, imo, but in general, you know what i mean. 

10.  Wall-E – (very) cute robots.  that is all.

9.  The Good The Bad The Weird - possibly the first decent epic scale movie ever produced in korea.  huge sprawling landscapes, wire-fu gun fights, a heart-racing train robbery scene, and some very unexpectedly successful mixtures of styles that make this a uniquely korean homage to spaghetti westerns.  the US release is supposedly being held up because of the title? 

8.  Iron Man – in a time when dark deconstruction seems to be the modus operandi for many big productions (see Batman), Iron Man is a reminder that flash and sizzle still has a place in my heart.  this is how popcorn movies should be. 

7.  4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days – this is just a great indie film.  many unconventional techniques used here to its benefit, but more importantly it’s deeply human.  it’s real life.  it’s abstract.  it’s about morality.  it’s about practicality.  it’s about hard choices in hard environments. 

6. In Bruges – this is possibly my surprise hit of the year thanks in no small part to the lowered expectations i suffered as soon as i saw Colin Farrel’s name headlining it.  it’s light and funny and acted very well by everyone including colin farrel, but it’s also not without its own sense of depth and feeling. 

5.  Slumdog Millionaire – blah blah blah.  you won’t have any shortage of shit to read about this movie from many people much more knowledgeable than i am. 

4.  The Chaser – great korean film with a very mundane story line (a guy chases after a serial killer) told in a very unconventional way.  new ways to tell an old story, a great anti-hero protagonist, a tangibly dark thriller style, the political commentary.  take your pick.  all are great points about this stand out movie.

3.  The Wrestler – awesome.  Aronofsky is a genius.  i saw this movie about a month ago and i still stop to think about the sad and tragic life of The Ram.  were it not for its excessively unhappy nature, i think this film would be an instant american classic.  may it live forever on cable.

2.  Let The Right One In – a fanastically sweet yet dark (really dark!) film about teenage outcasts.  it’s also the unlikely marriage of a simple and realistic style and the markedly unrealistic fantasy elements of vampires. 

1.  The Dark Knight – i actually thought about this one for a while.  if it didn’t make it to my #1 spot, this film was going to drop to #3 behind The Wrestler.  because even though i think i enjoyed The Wrestler and Let The Right One In as much as The Dark Knight or more because they were simply tighter movies, i give The Dark Knight a big bonus for its degree of difficulty.  the complexity of its narrative involving the complete stories of two completely new main characters interwoven so tightly with the existing characters and environment seems insanely hard to do.   not only did it attempt to spin this crazy and massive tale but it did it very well, imo.  couple that with heath ledger’s iconic performance as one of film’s greatest villains ever and voila….  it’s my #1 film of the year. 

honorable mentions:
Cloverfield – looking back i distinctly remember myself actually feeling very scared, sad and hopeless like the characters in this film feel.  it’s a simple monster movie, yes.  it’s a knock off (homage?) of many many different films, yes.  but like Frankenstein this creation of bits and pieces of other films has a life force of its own.

American Teen – a documentary with engaging subjects held back by some questionable film making. 

The Fall – an orgy of visually fantastic images.  expect no less from Tarsem.