October 29, 2008

• it’s not my birthday, but thanks anyway, jerkies.

  yesterday’s post developed from a conversation i had recently with someone, i forget who, about how thomas jefferson helped create the brilliant US Constitution when he was about 33 years old, and me, i felt pretty damn happy with myself for having quit playing WoW.  that was my big achievement for the 33rd year of my life.  anyway, this person was like “33 is the age of doing.”  and that made perfect sense to me. 

  if you read this blog at all, it’s probably not hard to guess that i’m a perpetual downer when it comes to stuff like, you know, the state of my life or something.  hitting 33 didn’t help, because when 33 hit i did have this innate sense of incompleteness, which might have many sources, but when i had that conversation, it was definitely coming from the feeling of lost years that i should have spent positively building up to my 33rd year.  up until that point, it really was a case of “it will all make sense tomorrow, i hope.”  so 33 came and went, and, nope, there is no sense to be made.  i want to start everything over.

  not i thought i’d change the world, though that would have been nice, but i definitely felt like i would have done something by 33.  made a lasting mark.  contributed to the world, even if in some small parochial way.  even if they don’t change society or create a lasting piece of world history (as far as we know), other people my age accomplish this by having children and that’s a pretty huge accomplishment.  or some people are just good at what they do.  in it up to their chins.  me, i can barely decide which pool to dip my foot into. 

  so, yeah, 33.  that bit of advice doesn’t come from any place of accomplishment, as you probably correctly assumed.  it comes from a feeling of loss from inaction and indecision.  kinda like when someone who just lost a parent tells you to tell your parents that you love them, kinda but not really.  don’t go teaching english in korea for five years unless you aspire to be a kick ass english instructor when you’re 33.  don’t put off grad school because eventually — and maybe sooner than you think — it really will feel too late to go.  don’t put off marriage and kids for a shitty job that you hate and will eventually abandon anyway.  prepare to be where you want to be when you’re 33. 

  • 9:29 am
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