October 28, 2009
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Top 5 Things That Should Be Acceptable At The Office But Aren’t
- Napping – completely idiotic standard that fights human biology. there’s a reason why every cell in my body is screaming for sleep at 3pm. because it fucking needs it! am i being productive while my head is lolling around like some flabby tit? nope. am i productive afterwards? nope. we laugh at george costanza’s habitual idiocy that we wish we could indulge in, but that one time he had the right idea. sleeping under the desk at work should not only be acceptable but encouraged.
- Not Laughing When Something Isn’t Funny – i admit, i already do this. fuck that shit. the whole room is laughing with the boss, and they all look like complete jackasses. also, kind of related but maybe not really. i don’t think it should be an office requirement to sit there and celebrate a birthday of someone you don’t know or don’t like. the guy knows that i don’t know him from Adam! it’s so fake, and we both know it as we sit there mumbling our way to cake.
- Leaving or Abruptly Ending a Boring Conversation About Nothing – honestly. the rudeness these “friendly” people achieve but don’t get called out on is nothing short of larceny. they are stealing my time, attention and good will, which is usually already in short supply. of course, they are completely oblivious to my hostile body language and looks of complete indifference, but i have to stand there and take this subtle form of abuse for the sake of being polite at the office. well they’re not being very polite, are they? i think i should be able to simply walk away and have it not offend them.
- Taking Extended Breaks For Stuff – like a doctor appointment? meeting the cable guy? i know most offices are already cool like this. mine isn’t really. most shit is open and working while i’m unavailable during work hours and closes when i’m available after work. that leaves me like 20 minutes during rush hour traffic to run all my errands. why do i have to jump through hoops to get a checkup? i mean i can make up the lost time, that’s no problem. but i have to get permission and arrange to work from home, etc? all that crap for what?
- Farting – dude, it doesn’t kill you when you’re at home and someone farts. so harmless. it just smells a little bit and wafts away. do it enough times and it becomes thoroughly unnoticeable. not at the office though. that’s a crime worthy of public shaming, but it makes no sense to me. the discomfort i feel holding in gas borders on cruel and usual. and when it’s on the cusp of letting itself out and i get up to go to the bathroom, of course it runs away back up into my bowels. i gather the positioning of my abdomen when i sit down adds pressure that disappears when i stand up and straighten out, which should explaining my ghost farts. but the fact that i have to get up and go to the bathroom at all is just silly. how productive am i as i sit there contemplating going to the bathroom simply to fart? not at all. as a matter of fact, it’s all i think about for a long while, as i continue to not work. how great would it be if you could fart in your chair and have it be a perfectly normal thing to do? very. that’s how great.
Comments (5)
Get a fart cushion. You can fart into it all day and it absorbs the smell.
@supanamja -
what??? such a magical thing exists?
haha you’re funny…i think every company should have a nap room…i asked my boss if we could build one. he actually considered it. the thing is what if people started doin hanky panky shit in there!
@MiracleMax -
Yes. http://www.flat-d.com/chairpadblack.html
lol to the last commenter. a nap room is a great idea. in latin american countries, in spain, and even in china, lunch breaks are actually quite long – from 2 to 3 hours long, depending on the country – to give the worker a chance to go home, have lunch and even get a nap in. this means the average office workday starts a little earlier (around 8) and ends at 6 at the very earliest, but still, the longer-than-one-hour lunch break helps productivity especially in the afternoons. but of course, we won’t do that here, because we’re the US and clock in very long working hours per year compared to most of the developed world. boooo… i say, bring on the naps!